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Thursday, February 19, 2009

My Labor Predictions: Suggested New Jobs

Today the U.S. Department of Labor reported that six million people are receiving unemployment. I have friends who have been recently laid off from their jobs. It's a sad situation but I wanted to share my predictions. I have some new jobs that I think my friends should consider seeking in the near future. I think there's going to be a need for these jobs. Trista, this blog post is for you!

Here are the new jobs that I see created in the next few months:
  • High Profile Nanny for Octu-Mom: If you have nanny experience, this woman is going to need a zillion nannies to help her. You might want to think about hiring your own publicist as well. If you don't feel bad about receiving a salary that is funded by CA taxpayers, this is the perfect job for you! I also suggest you buy a bullet proof vest and maybe hire a few bodyguards. If Octu-mom makes that Movie of the Week, make sure you get a cameo appearance!
  • Media Relations Specialists for Performance Enhancing Drug-Usin' Athletes: With the rise of athletes using PEDs, if you have a background in media relations start tapping into those athletes who lie about their PED use. Athletes have a lot of money and are always in the news. I may look into this job as a side career. Hmmmm. Although, I'm not sure I want to sell my soul to the devil.
  • Spam Analyst: Liam, thanks for the inspiration behind this new job. Based on the multitude of spam that floods emails each day, professional spam analysts will be needed to decipher these nonsensical spams (my 19 month old nephew talks better than these spam messages read). If you are a linguist or a translator, you will be much needed as a spam analyst because these spams are poorly translated (Drunk Man Woman And Be Happy - huh?)
  • Pet Au Pair: Do you speak fluent Spanish? You would make the perfect pet au pair. If you have a desire to teach an animal a foreign language and long to care for pets while they're parents are at work, this would be the perfect position for bilingual animal lovers. Their parents will be so proud that their Fifi responds to commands in Spanish. Studies show that bilingual pets who bark/meow in a foreign language are happier and more well-adjusted than English-only barking and meowing pets.
  • Freelance Mime: Mimes really need to make a come back in this world. This is the time when the world needs mime entertainment. Don't be one of those robotic dancers working the street corner. Mimes have been revered throughout the world and as a freelance mime, you can share your happy/sad expressions while wearing sexy black unitards. There are some job hazards: hurricanes, dog pee and scalding hot coffee thrown at you with jeers of "You suck, Mime Person." If you have animal balloon-making skills, you could really rack up the change on your corner.
  • American Idol Karoake Judge: As the American Idol season continues, American Idol karoake contests are taking the world by storm. Judges are in hot pursuit and if you have a mean streak like Simon then you can do the job. You don't even know how to sing or read music (or even like music, for that matter). Just be cruel and heartless and you'll be perfect.
  • Wii Personal Trainer: Have you noticed that many adults suck at playing the Wii? Wii Personal Trainers are going to be in high demand. Wii Personal Trainers can teach adults kick butt moves to beat the pants off kids who think they rule the Wii.
  • Obama's Professional Tie Knotter: Every time I see Obama make an appearance on TV, his tie looks askew. I foresee a professional tie knotter in the near future. If you can make the perfect Windsor knot or used to work at the Men's Wearhouse, this job could be the ulitmate career. Think of the perks - a studio shed at the Capitol!


  1. Hey, I think I'm going to hire my kids out as Wii Personal Trainers. As long as nobody hires them to learn Rock Band, I think we're set. They can guide anybody through Mario Kart, Mario Galaxy, Lego Star Wars and Excite Truck!

    Great post!

  2. Caught you in a They're error! You owe me a bottle of wine! Don't take them papers!

    Funny jobs, though.

    (This is probably gonna post through Erik's name...but he had better not get my wine without me :)!)