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Friday, April 24, 2009

Everything I Know I Learned from Reality TV Shows

What's the point? Does washed-up Bret Michaels from Poison really need to have three seasons of scantily clad bleached blonde, vacuous, air brained Barbies parading around his rock star Love Bus? Poor Bret. He's really going through a mid-life crisis - between his bald noggin, his 80s eyeliner and his blonde extensions. He's lookin' for love in ALL the wrong places.

So after Bret's soul searching hunt for the bimbo of his dreams, he picks a Penthouse centerfold who is supposedly the "love" of his life. Yeah, I'm thinking he didn't fall in love with her brain.

There's the clueless Kardashians, The Cougar, those shallow Housewives of Orange County and New York. Take your pick. If you like train wrecks, then get ready for a huge crash.

I've learned a lot from these reality TV shows:

1. You really shouldn't mix booze because it makes you go mental. (The Rock of Love girls were a bunch of raging drunks).

2. The most IMPORTANT thing anyone could contribute to the world is to sit around talking about people behind their back, wearing a lot of clownish make-up, always have a scary expression on your Botox'd forehead, go out to lunch all the time, don't ever attend any cultural or significant political events, and ALWAYS look hung over or be seen with a strong cocktail in hand (and treat your husband/boyfriend like crap while drinking that cocktail), and spend obcene amounts of money on ugly jewelry, and ALWAYS act shallow (Thank you, housewives from Orange County or high-pitched annoying Manhattan socialites). Yes, these women are breeders(poor little rich kids).

3. It's cool to be shallow, mean and petty. (See above - Rock of Love trollops and the Stepford OC Housewives)

4. Don't ever say anything intelligent.

5. Always act klassy with a "K" (These chicks have zero class. They need Sharon Osbourne's Charm School).

6. If you don't have a pound of make-up glued on your face, then you are so last year.

7. You can't buy a clue or logic with money (hellooooo!)

8. If you haven't been divorced at least twice, then you can't live in Orange County.

9. Less is more (like don't EVER open your mouth!)

10. These people portrayed on reality TV shows are the absolute worst role models for the youth of America. I would be mortified if any of these women were my mom. Disgusting.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Why You Should Wash Your Veggies - The UK Sprayer

The U.S. had the Unabomber and Dahmer. The UK now has the "Crazy Lunatic" limelight. My friend Dennis sent me this email forward today. What??? How does one person just decide they are going to make a mixture out of their feces and spray down grocery stores and children's books.

If you're an unemployed chemist in the UK, I guess this is what happens. Not only is this story repulsive and stomach-turning, it makes me wonder what causes a person to flip out and concoct such a mixture? What prompted this disgusting and foul (literally) crime? Was it the voices in his head? Did unemployment drive him to insanity? Does he hate children's literature that much? Is he trying to kill off the human race with his fecal matter? I found it amusing that he plead not guilty and the judge found him to be a public safety risk - hmmm, you think so?

You be the judge.

Man jailed for spraying urine, feces on food in UK

By RAPHAEL G. SATTER, Associated Press Writer Raphael G. Satter, Associated Press Writer
LONDON – An unemployed chemist was jailed Tuesday for spraying a mix of urine and feces on food, wine and children's books in several British stores. Sahnoun Daifallah was sentenced to nine years in prison after being found guilty of four counts of contaminating goods.
The 42-year-old Algerian carried a mix of his waste in a container of weed killer concealed in a laptop bag, a court found. Using the nozzle, which poked out of the bag, Daifallah was able to spray large areas, leaving a powerful stench and causing tens of thousands of pounds (dollars) worth of damage.

Daifallah's first target was The Air Balloon pub and restaurant near Cheltenham in western England, which he visited around lunchtime on May 14. Kate Rochead, on duty that day, told The Associated Press she didn't know exactly what area he sprayed.

"All we know was that it was a horrendous smell that was left behind," she said.
Daifallah next visited a bookstore in neighboring Cirencester, dousing hundreds of books — most of them in the children's section.

Two days later he struck in the nearby suburban area of Quedgeley, where a customer spotted him squirting the frozen french fries at a supermarket. Daifallah then drove four miles (six kilometers) to another supermarket, where an employee in the wine section noticed him acting suspiciously and reported an overpowering stench. Both supermarkets were closed for two days for cleaning. Shoppers reported suffering from rashes and nausea.

Local police said the products weren't handled by customers, but Morrisons, one of the supermarkets targeted, said a small number of goods were returned as a precaution. Tesco, the other supermarket hit by Daifallah, declined comment.

Police were able to identify Daifallah using security camera footage. When they raided his home, they found a stockpile of the substance and plans to spread it. Plastic bags containing excrement were marked with the names of cities on them.

Daifallah represented himself at Bristol Crown Court, where he pleaded not guilty.
Judge Carol Hagen said Britain's security agencies had labeled him a high risk to public safety. Authorities have already begun deportation proceedings.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Writers Who Write for a Living - Workin' Hard for Our Money

I thought I'd end the week with a tongue-in-cheek, Letterman-esque list of why professional writers aren't taken seriously by non-writing lay people. The next time you tell a writer that what they do isn't "real work," think again. "I'm tired of people telling me my writing isn't a real job" has been a common theme lately on my freelance writing web sites. Copywriters, editors and all those who pen for a living work their fingers to the bone (I think I'm starting to wear down the pads of my fingertips from excessive typing).

Please note my "abnormally sarcastic" (thank you, Facebook Quiz #1001) tone to my list. For the record, there are many fabulous non-writing lay people out there who wholeheartedly support my writing endeavors.

However, my Top Ten List is dedicated to the lame brains of the clueless world who ask me: "Do you do something with books?" (I'm a copywriter NOT a copyrighter):

1. Non-writing people experience constant grammar and vocabulary envy. They are clueless when it comes to ledes, hooks, angles, syntax, connective verbs and "its and it's." They swim in a sea of email signatures that end with "Your welcome" and "Sincerly."

2. Lay people are jealous because writers are usually more in tune to the world, trends and news. As a result, writers ignite stimulating conversations at parties about serial killers and Ponzi schemes. Thus, non-writing people are asked never to return to said parties because they are dull and lifeless.

3. They were once told by their first grade teacher that their haiku wasn't written in proper stanza format. As a result, they lash out against all writers of the world with their angst-ridden, snide remarks: "Ohhhh, so you'reeee a writer? Yeah, right."

4. Their romance/horror/sci fi/kinda non-fiction novel was rejected 999 times by the same publisher. They don't quite understand the concept that romance/horror/sci fi/kinda non-fiction aren't genres that mesh well.

5. An ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/partner was a writer who devoured their savings trying to write the great American novel. Bad, bad flashbacks.

6. They eat the same food three times a day, wear a toupee and tune their radio to the easy listening station.

7. They think Wuthering Heights is the name of a new subdivision in their neighborhood.

8. They speak in text - Ru goin 2 skool 2 day?

9. They think Eat, Shoots & Leaves is Martha Stewart's latest television show.

10. They just can't hook up with chicks or dudes. Writers have game.