How I Would Change Facebook: Let's Talk Relationship Status

As an addicted Facebooker aka Crack-booker (because once you start, you can't stop), I'd like to suggest some changes to this popular social networking site.

First, I really think the relationship status needs more options. "Single, In a Relationship, Married and It's Complicated" doesn't do it for me. "It's complicated" is too general. I suggest the following status choices: "In a long distance relationship - does incarceration count?" or perhaps "Former stalker on house arrest and legally cannot date." For us single people, even a simple "Lookin' for a good time" or "Taking applications for a sugar daddy/cougar with a wine cellar" sounds better than "single."

Now for the security issues associated with Facebook. I would like to see a feature that automatically fires off a shrill siren for us addicts every time we launch Facebook. A timer would also be nice (which would automatically kick us addicts out mid-wall jacking).

I also think that there should be an option when a former classmates tries to add you. You didn't like them years ago and you still think that person is a poser. It would be nice to have an automatic reply to go along with your Friends rejection notice: "Yes, I remember you from grade school, high school or college. I remember you were a raging (insert appropriate expletive) and treated people like crap. We were never friends back then and I see you're still as self-serving and annoying as ever...buh-bye."

For ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends who reappear, I suggest that Facebook creates this rejection option: "Thanks for dumping me for that ugly so-and-so with the tricked out Camaro back in '88. By the way, the years weren't good to you. Also, did you ever live near any biohazardous bodies of water because your kids have an off-putting green glow about them? Have a nice life!"

I also suggest that Facebook automatically bans any adults who post creepy pictures from Star Trek or Star Wars conventions. What about those profile messages? Do I want to know if someone is baking cookies and pretending to work? Whoops, I wrote that message today. I also don't think "blank" profile messages with just a name should be allowed. People, you aren't mysterious with your blank message - tell me what you're doing NOW! I also don't think people should be allowed to write about clam dip or sushi in profiles (you know who you are, bucko) - especially during the lunch and dinner hours.

I read a funny editorial today in the Los Angeles Times about the 25 Questions forward. However, this LA Times writer needs to take his high-brow "insert Ivy League college name" education and get over his bad self. He was clearly overcompensating in his article. He's probably the worst offender and used his editorial as a "cover up" for his Facebook addiction. Joshua Stein, you aren't fooling anyone so give it up - we all know you're a compulsive Crack-booker! I bet you are the worst offender of "Pokes" in Facebook's history. You are on my "Crack-book Watch Dog" list, Stein. Even Saturday Night Live jumped on the Facebook bandwagon. Last night they spoofed the 25 Questions forward in their skit, "Cougar's Corner" - hilarious.

The best quote I read on Facebook was courtesy of my friend Brian D.: "This line for rent." In this economy, I think he is smart to pimp out his blank Facebook quote box. If the head honchos from Facebook are reading this blog, please call me. We need to chat about the above suggested changes.