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Friday, April 24, 2009

Everything I Know I Learned from Reality TV Shows

What's the point? Does washed-up Bret Michaels from Poison really need to have three seasons of scantily clad bleached blonde, vacuous, air brained Barbies parading around his rock star Love Bus? Poor Bret. He's really going through a mid-life crisis - between his bald noggin, his 80s eyeliner and his blonde extensions. He's lookin' for love in ALL the wrong places.

So after Bret's soul searching hunt for the bimbo of his dreams, he picks a Penthouse centerfold who is supposedly the "love" of his life. Yeah, I'm thinking he didn't fall in love with her brain.

There's the clueless Kardashians, The Cougar, those shallow Housewives of Orange County and New York. Take your pick. If you like train wrecks, then get ready for a huge crash.

I've learned a lot from these reality TV shows:

1. You really shouldn't mix booze because it makes you go mental. (The Rock of Love girls were a bunch of raging drunks).

2. The most IMPORTANT thing anyone could contribute to the world is to sit around talking about people behind their back, wearing a lot of clownish make-up, always have a scary expression on your Botox'd forehead, go out to lunch all the time, don't ever attend any cultural or significant political events, and ALWAYS look hung over or be seen with a strong cocktail in hand (and treat your husband/boyfriend like crap while drinking that cocktail), and spend obcene amounts of money on ugly jewelry, and ALWAYS act shallow (Thank you, housewives from Orange County or high-pitched annoying Manhattan socialites). Yes, these women are breeders(poor little rich kids).

3. It's cool to be shallow, mean and petty. (See above - Rock of Love trollops and the Stepford OC Housewives)

4. Don't ever say anything intelligent.

5. Always act klassy with a "K" (These chicks have zero class. They need Sharon Osbourne's Charm School).

6. If you don't have a pound of make-up glued on your face, then you are so last year.

7. You can't buy a clue or logic with money (hellooooo!)

8. If you haven't been divorced at least twice, then you can't live in Orange County.

9. Less is more (like don't EVER open your mouth!)

10. These people portrayed on reality TV shows are the absolute worst role models for the youth of America. I would be mortified if any of these women were my mom. Disgusting.

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