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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Fall Weather Inspires My Send-A-Friend Comfort Food Program

The Fall weather is slowly nestling its way into the northern California foothills. As the cooler temps slowly thaw the damage from my fried "90s plus" noggin, I put on my slightly wilted Martha Stewart hat (and apron to match). In my usual Martha-on-crack cooking frenzy, I whipped up a tasty vegetable lasagne yesterday (in between writing assignments). As a result of my Facebook post announcing my culinary masterpiece (it was quite delicious, I might add), friends surged my Wall begging and pleading me. They wrote messages such as: Convict an anodyne with passion (oh wait, that was something I wrote for an article). They asked me to Fed Ex the veg-lasagne their way. I wish I could wrap up my culinary delights and mail them to my friends across the miles. I love to cook for friends - red wine, hearty food and lively conversation - it's the Siciliana way!

Then it hit me! I could start a new phenomenon: The "Send-A-Friend Comfort Food" Program. I really needed this brainstorm in college (the million packages of Top Ramen didn't quite make the Julia Child mark). For all my kitchen-phobic friends (aka LAZY), I would enroll them in this specialized program in which they would receive one comfort food dish every other month. For an extra fee, I would make "personal home deliveries" to those friends residing close by to me. For those wanting me to travel long distances, they would need to provide me with a lear jet and/or a rock star bus (fuel and hot male kitchen staff included).

However, I decided to implement "qualifying" rules as to who was deserving and not-so-deserving of my new calling as personal-sous-comfort-chef to The Stars (I mean, My Friends):

1. If they make ONE complaint about any meal I send, they are automatically deleted from the database and they will never make my A-List again! (EVER!)

2. All friends will be scanned and any picky-eating habits will raise red flags (a probationary period might ensue).

3. If they post any pictures of me from grade school on Facebook or other incriminating pictures, they are automatically kicked out of the program.

4. If they have picky family members and they complain, their ungrateful spouses and kids are disqualified from the program. No questions asked.

5. If they think a sandwich is a meal, well, that's a given - not gonna go there.

6. They must know the secret handshake AND they must recite how James Bond likes his martini. If they cannot abide by these above rules, then as the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld would say: NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Anyone for some homemade Mac-n-Cheese?

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